One of the many elements that unites us as Americans is the earnest belief that our own local drivers are the worst in the world. Maslow identified this on his hierarchy of needs and labeled it Communal Bitching. He ranked it between Physiological/Safety which means basic food and shelter and Technological which includes cable, internet and cellular access with unlimited free texting. Having travelled a bit about our fair nation though, I believe that all drivers in all regions are equally awful but in unique and different ways. For instance, a New Englander will graciously signal, wave and then run you off the road, while the New Yorker generally honks and shoots the bird before doing the same thing. A few of our DFW subgroups include the less educated fundamentalists who believe turn signals are Satan’s tools and refuse to use them and the local racers who weave in and out of heavy traffic at high speeds. The latter group (Nasholes) appeared in the 90s shortly after the opening of Texas Motor Speedway. Each group holds their own special place on the road, as well as the ditch, and for the most part, we have learned to live with them much like one learns to live with a chronic medical condition like hemorrhoids or heartburn.
This weekend, however, we were introduced to a group we had never heard of. We left Grand Prairie about 11:00 AM to visit the kids in Galveston and ran into them just south of Corsicana. We first noted something amiss when I had to slam the brakes to avoid plowing into the Civic who was trying to avoid the SUV. Both lanes went from 80 to 35 in about 3 seconds and slowly creeped back up to 55. This lasted about 10 miles or so till we finally saw the late model Saturn in the left lane, completely oblivious to the 30 other cars and trucks passing her on the right. This happened 3 more times before we got to Houston, which by itself is not all that unusual anymore. What is unusual is that every one of the left lane parkers involved at least one Saturn (2 sedans, 1 sports model and another SUV). None of them looked particularly menacing or hateful either, just a bunch of ordinary dipsticks poking along at 50 or 60 in the left lane on a major, crowded freeway. It seemed like a strange coincidence, and we discounted any real conspiracy until our return trip. Just north of Conroe, we ran into another brake slamming bottleneck, and sure enough, a blue Saturn SUV was at the front of the pack in the left lane. This same SUV later passed me about 100 miles up the road. I was doing about 78 so he apparently discovered his gas pedal. And to be fair, he was in the left lane which I assume he never left.
So with all of this in mind, we thought it might be helpful to give all of our Saturn driving readers who want to be douche bags a quick refresher course for highway driving. First, pick a speed you are comfortable with between 55 and 60 and set your cruise control. Do not under any circumstances change your speed as this could use extra gas and make you part of the problem rather than the solution. Next, choose a nice, relaxing, totally hip CD like Neil Diamond or Barry Manilow and then breathe deeply from your diaphragm especially concentrating on your exhales. Now slowly move over into the left lane and feel yourself becoming one with the music and the endless ribbon of tarmac. You are not your body and your car is not a car and the road is not a road. You are the music and the road: the road is the music and you. Pay no attention to the other drivers for they are just part of the road and the music. Watch them flow around you on the right side in one continuous river of motion and sound. Feel the harmony of their horns as they blend into a symphony of the road. As they wave their one fingered greeting to you, think of a nice hot, soothing bath in your freshly tiled bathroom. Picture the medicine cabinet to your side and imagine the third row where the box with the pretty flowers resides. Open the box and inhale the aroma of the botanicals. Pay no attention to the other drivers, they do not matter, for you drive a Saturn in the left lane and are flowing with the traffic into the nice, pink bag and are truly one with the douche.
No comments:
Post a Comment