Poor Le France

This is not a normal Saturday morning in July. Normally, I would be eating a lumberjack breakfast and watching the extended coverage of one of the world’s most unique and beautiful sports events, but this morning I’m ranting. I first became interested in the Tour De France in my late 20s. Just the sheer numbers involved staggered me: 130 riders, 2,000 miles, many of them over mountains, in 24 days. These were real men with real nicknames like “the cannibal”, Eddie Merckx who won 5 overall titles and 476 pro races. The fact that none of my friends had ever heard of them or the race really, made it all that much cooler to my twisted, little ego. My smugness factor seemed to climb in direct proportion to the obscurity of the event. Although I personally had never ridden a bike more than 2 or 3 miles, I knew all about the guys who did and they looked pretty cool in their odd uniforms swigging champagne and kissing the young, French hotties. The tour perfectly filled the black sports hole that exists between the end of basketball/hockey playoffs and the opening of the NFL training camps. That’s all over now though. This year I’m boycotting “le tour”, and my only July sports fix will be watching late night clips of baseballs disappearing into outfield crowds as muscle bound, TV wrestling look-alikes trot, slow motion, around the bases. Does anyone have a revolver?

When it comes to the tour this year, I’m officially out and couldn’t care less who wins, loses or if the whole peleton falls off a mountain. The thought police have taken over the tour, and they can have it. Doping and cheating are the topic de jour and frankly Scarlett, I don’t give a damn. Very few things are more repulsive to me than false outrage, and this year outrage is more important than the race itself. It seems as though the organizers and officials have decided to kill their own event to save it. The dumb guys have clearly won. Even Versus, the American network who pays a lot of deflated, American dollars for broadcast rights is on board. Their official theme for 2008 is “Taking Back the Tour” which initially confused me. At first I assumed they were rooting for another American, Levi Leipheimer maybe, to win the tour again. But no, they are “taking back the tour” from the blood dopers who have diminished the value of their pristine and noble sport. Each broadcast is interspersed with a recurring promo that features sappy, emo music and video clips of recent cheats Michael Rasmussen and Floyd Landis riding backwards. The announcers, normally delightful Englishman who say things like “that’s a cheeky move,” have now joined in the dirge and shake their dour faces while they talk about cleaning up the sport. It all made me nauseas, and after only 4 stages, I finally quit watching. Am I the only person tired of hearing about sports doping? Am I the only one not in shock?

The outrage is completely disingenuous. I would be hard pressed to name a celebrity actor or musician who hasn’t been caught up in scandalous, often felonious behavior, yet I continue to enjoy their performances and overlook their foibles. Why do we accept hard core drug abuse and addiction from Hollywood performers and yet condemn entertainers for lessor offenses who perform in the sporting arts. Many of the drugs banned by the governing athletic bodies are found in the average American’s medicine cabinet and greatly aid our activities of daily living. Even the notorious drugs such as steroids and EPO are routinely used to aid in the recovery period after surgery or cancer treatments. But if an athlete uses these substances to help recover from fatigue or injury, its cheating and cheaters must be banned. Aside from the obvious double standard, I suppose what upsets me the most is the assertion that the heroes of yesterday were all clean of body and pure of spirit. Every athlete who has ever performed at an elite level has constantly fought the twin battles of fatigue and injury. Steroids, testosterone and EPO are just modern versions of yesterday’s nicotine, caffeine, Dexedrine and Xylocaine. Do we really think Babe Ruth wouldn’t have used drugs? The truth is: he did use the drugs of his day and some of them, alcohol for instance, were illegal at the time.

So have it your way Versus Network and Le Tour officials. Tell us how much we should revere you for joining hands with the Lord and throwing the disgusting sinners from the glorious and holy ground of sport. Hallelujah, Amen! I wouldn’t wait around too long to count the offering though. Most of your members are leaving the building. You see, when we want to hear a real sermon, we’ll go to a real church with a real preacher. Maybe someday you’ll come down off the mountain and join us. Till then enjoy the pure and rarified air. The fact that you will be the only one breathing it should make it all that much sweeter. I think I’m going for a bike ride. Au revoir